Author: chelleren

Scrolling through my Facebook, I stopped in dismay. My father’s faithful friend, Joan, passed away after recovering from cancer surgery. She picked up my father for church. I immediately texted my brother who responded with minimal surprise. “It’s a risky surgery. At one point, that procedure had a 25% fatality rate.” Regardless of the statistics, I felt a deep sadness and scrolled through my emails to locate her recent messages.

Hi Marcel and Michelle, shared with my John that your dad called him the other day. I don’t believe he knew the Sterks were going to pick him up for me. It tickles me how often he is still able to advocate for himself. Your dad said he enjoyed the women visitors but it would be nice if men came to visit too!!!

I don’t know if I told you that John and Julia Sterk will be picking your Dad up on the 2nd Sundays of Oct. and Nov. Your dad will be really happy about this! The one caveat is it will depend on if they can get his chair into their vehicle. We were going to try it last week but he wasn’t in church. I am writing out instructions for them (nearly finished). My surgery will be this Wednesday. Tonja will be staying with us for 2 weeks, arriving today. Look up the Whipple Procedure if you are interested. It is amazing what “parts” we can live without and the number of “spare parts” there are in our bodies!  Joan

I always marveled at her dedication to my father. She picked him up for church despite the obvious inconvenience of distance, his sleepiness, the challenge of getting the wheelchair in her vehicle, and other things I don’t even know about!

Her beautiful obituary summed up her dedication.

Joan was one of God’s angels. She had a huge heart for the less fortunate. She generously gave her time and money when she saw a need. She retired from Hope Network in 2008 and was active in her church and community. She spearheaded an Adult Respite Community Care center, a year-round book club, a maII walking group, and a Heritage Writers club, where people write their life stories. Joan volunteered at many places, including the bread run for Streams, New Life Thrift Store, and VIS. She also enjoyed crafting, painting, photography, and traveling. However, her favorite pastime was attending the sports and activities of her grandchildren. 

I spent part of the day, struggling with her passing. She was 81, I rationalized, and lived a long time. She used her time after retirement to help others in many ways. But why did God take her home when she could live longer and help more?

My answer to my own question is this: Her example and legacy reminds me of helping those less fortunate. In the words of John Bunyan, “You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.” I hope I can follow her example.

Two years ago, I compiled a list of activities to remember my mother during her birthday month.

1. Write an encouraging letter to someone – done
2. Donate to Elim Christian Services, an organization that helps those with special needs- done
3. Donate to Purdue Campus House, the church where her granddaughter attends- done
4. Donate blood- done
5. Work on my book, Pandemic Principal- need to do
6. Give away items I don’t need– done
7. Send a box of goodies to her other grandchildren away at college. not done
8. Write a note to her sister, Janie. She lives by herself. not done
9. Read a book by Beverly Lewis, one of her favorite authors. not done
10. Eat Kentucky Fried Chicken. This was really one of her favorites. done
11. Eat Dove Chocolate (s). done repeatedly
12. Order some Dutch peppermints for our family. We actually passed these out at her funeral. done repeatedly

At the beginning of September, I reread, updated, and spent time thinking about other ways to celebrate. Horseback riding never made the list, but my father’s perspective is different.

Holding true to her word, Maddie, his rec therapist, arranged a horse riding experience for my 91-year-old father. Why? He told her it was the one thing he still wanted to do while on earth. The scheduled date of this event coincided with my mother’s birthday.

While driving up to Michigan to witness this epic event, we wondered, ” Is this really going to happen? How? Would he be sleeping through it like he has done while swimming?” Low expectations, an attitude of gratitude, minimalistic thinking— I repeated these phrases as we entered Waterford.

“Are you excited?” I asked as we greeted him in his favorite spot, the courtyard.

“No, I’m sleepy, ” he answered.

” It will be fun!” I encouraged.

“Whatever you say,” was his lackluster reply. Mitch showed him pictures of bucking bronchos, but it confused him while we laughed.

After loading him in my brother’s vehicle and providing a BOOST energy drink, we drove forty minutes to the destination: an equestrian center for therapeutic riding. The sunny day filled us with excitement as we entered the building. We hoped the BOOST would provide the necessary energy.

As we wheeled him into the stables, he briefly awoke. We spent a few moments admiring the horse. He didn’t seem impressed.

The slow process of lifting him on the saddle prompted him to ask, ” Why are you doing this to me?” “You wanted to do this, ” we answered. ” No, I didn’t!” he emphasized. We looked at each other in dismay but then urged him onward. “Only 5 steps, Dad! You can do it!”

He grunted a reply of ” Ow” which made me pause. Was this really a good idea? ” My back hurts! Why are you doing this to me?” he repeated. We looked at each other again.

Despite his obvious displeasure, the patient horse slowly walked, with my father on the saddle, the minimum steps into the arena.

“He did it!” we smiled, triumphantly. Waterford staff took a slew of photos, and then it was over.

Taking a step back, we evaluated the experience. Was it worth it? Will he remember it? Will he be in pain on Monday? I made a mental note to phone Waterford in the coming week.

“We will show him the pictures,” the staff responded. “Good conversation starters, ” added another. We repeatedly thanked them, still in disbelief that it actually happened.

As we parted ways, the instructor chimed in with his thoughts. ” I hope I can ride a horse at 91.”

We ended the day with my brother and my sister-in-law taking my father back to Waterford. It was a memorable way to remember my mother’s birthday and was yet another way we appreciate Waterford staff.

Additude, the magazine that helps those with attention deficit with various strategies, included a list of how to stop losing things. The list,https://www.additudemag.com/how-to-stop-losing-things-simple-rules-adhd/, had the idea of placing the bright tape on items to avoid misplacing them. This may be an idea for my father.

” I can’t find my Bible,” he mentioned at our recent Labor Day visit.

” No problem, Dad, I will find it,” I confidently answered. However, as I searched through his small room, it was nowhere to be found. Seeing his iPad, though, sparked an idea.

Taking it back outside where we usually sat, we spent time showing him how to utilize his iPad to read the Bible. Changing the font, the screen background and the ease of reading without having to turn the pages filled him with amazement. “This is really something!” he muttered to himself.

Inspired by our “lesson”, he continued to investigate the new discovery. We left our visit, thankful for technology and the many ways it can help those with disabilities.

“If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

It would have been wise for me to read the above quote before heading to see my father. When he texted the question, ” When are you coming to visit?” I grew excited and decided that I would take him out to eat, proving that he could still head out to a local eatery. The thought made me smile. I also decided that I would tell my brother after it happened, in case he tried to dissuade me.

Upon arrival at Waterford, I learned that he was in a SAIDO session, the weekly educational enrichment class. I busied myself with the needed task of cleaning out his room of miscellaneous papers no longer needed.

When the nurse returned, wheeling him into the room, his response to my greeting was, ” I’m so tired.” Ignoring him, I announced that it would be a great day to get something to eat. “Whatever,” he answered.

I realized that taking him to a local restaurant would not work, so I wheeled him to Waterford’s restaurant. Seeing that he was sleeping, I decided to take him outside for a walk around the manicured grounds of Waterford. “Let me take your picture!” I urged him, with enthusiasm. ” Yeah,” he muttered, closing his eyes.

Undeterred by his lack of enthusiasm, I wheeled him around the pond. “Isn’t this amazing?” I asked. ” What’s so amazing about it?” he responded. I told him to stop being so grumpy and that Mom would tell him to think positively, but it fell on deaf ears.

After a round around the pond, I located a table at Waterford’s bistro. After ordering him a chicken salad, I encouraged him to eat, but he kept sleeping. Inwardly, I sighed, thinking about the waste of the purchase. A couple sat nearby, enjoying lunch. I noticed that she was feeding him and walked over to start a conversation. She shared how she was a former kindergarten teacher and that her husband was in memory care while she lived independently. I listened to her describe her life and marveled at her lack of bitterness or regret. “We’ve been married for 54 years. It’s been good!

I excused myself from the conversation when I noticed my father looking at me. When he uttered the word, “Bathroom” I felt some panic since we were some distance from the nurses’ station. Taking my father to the bathroom by myself was an adventure to avoid. I decided to ignore his statement and encouraged him to eat. He closed his eyes again.

When he repeated it, I decided to take him seriously and wheeled him back. “Too late,” he stated. The nurse rushed him to the bathroom. Moments later, I noticed the words, “Shower in D 101” on the nurse’s computer screen.

As I sat in the chair, the phrase ” high expectations” came to mind. I often have high expectations for our visits. By now, I should know that low expectations work better. Why is this so difficult?

When the nurse wheeled him back to me, I decided that the visit was over and headed out for some thrift shopping, a favorite hobby. While shopping, discouragement set in, like a dark fog. Why did I even come here? Driving back to Indiana sounded like a good alternative. However, an anticipated visit with a dear friend kept me in Michigan overnight.

I gave the next day a title: A 360-Degree Turnaround. He was still in his wheelchair, of course, but he was conversing and agreeable to my ideas of working on a word search and coloring. He ate the entire breakfast of waffles and sausage without hesitation. I left Waterford after several hours, thankful that I persisted and went back. After all, one can never be quite sure how many paths you will take on a journey.

Reliving childhood and teenage memories with your own children can be positive but also negative. Playing in the woods, camping, and traveling would be in the positive categories. But then there are others.

As soon as he turned twenty, Corey decided that Jackson Hole was his camping destination. The challenge? All of his friends were working which meant it would be a solo journey, camping in a tent. It also meant a 22-hour drive.

” Dad did this when he was 18″ were Corey’s comments. He was referring to Mitch’s Alaskan trip with a high school buddy. “Yes, but he traveled with another person,” I pointed out. ” He also camped many times,” I added. Corey’s camping adventures include one time with his brother and a high school group, family camping in a travel trailer, and one night tent camping with cousins. ” We were already in Jackson Hole two years ago, ” I reminded. ” What about recreating the same idea closer home? ” There’s nothing like Jackson Hole,” he stated. Sigh.

Parenting adult children is vastly different than the birth- eighteen range. Instead of pointing out dangers and concerns, you ask many questions until they are forced to answer. You bite your tongue to refrain from using a critical tone. Sometimes, silence is a good answer. I found myself praying for something to get in the way of this idea- a problem with his car, and unexpected meeting, anything!

However, my prayers were not answered in the way I wanted and none of our tactics worked with Corey, the determined, adventurous adult. ” Do you realize the distance?” we queried. ” Twenty- two hours is a long way by yourself,”. We resigned ourselves to this adventure and helped him pack. He drove out of the driveway, and we were left with our worries.

” I think I am going to declutter the basement,” I announced. Mitch immersed himself in work and fishing shows.

Unable to sleep, I found myself praying throughout the night. Mitch repeatedly checked his phone. “This is crazy!” I thought. I imagined all kinds of scenarios and none were positive.

When he finally reached the campsite, our hearts slowed down. I took some deep breaths. ” Are you having a good time?” I asked, in a fake kind of mom’s voice. Inside, I was thinking: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF WHAT KIND OF STRESS YOU ARE PUTTING US IN RIGHT NOW? Seeing his campsite on Facetime and hearing about his travels eased our worries. However, the return trip brought forth a new set of concerns: stormy weather.

When the tornado sirens went off, a set of different concerns filled our minds. As the rain pummeled the windows, I peered outside, looking for the familiar blue car. When he finally entered the house, I breathed a sigh of relief and thanks to God. I secretly hoped this was the last crazy journey, but one never knows.

How does one acquire the skill of patience? I suppose that life’s experiences will force a person to become more patient. Seasons of life, different activities, and people will force someone to be more patient. I would also add the care of animals will expand your patience.

While taking care of Juneau, the dog, I found myself reflecting upon patience as a caregiver. I remember the times when I did not feel patient with my father and still don’t today. I find myself thinking: How many times will he tell me that he is lonely? I inwardly reprimand myself and know it’s another example of my lack of patience.

One of the first steps in caregiving is recognizing that some character traits are lacking and then working to change. I recognize that patience is not always my best character trait and need to work on this. But how? One way to become more patient is to read stories about others who did exhibit patience. I think that anyone who lived through a war has to exhibit patience. Not knowing when a war will end has to test one’s patience level. Dealing with uncertainties must be a challenge.

Another way to increase your patience level is to deliberately test yourself in new areas. Taking care of a young dog is a perfect example! There were days when I felt my stress level go up simply because of an animal! At those times, it helped to describe the feelings to another person. My friend shared similar experiences, and we ended up laughing hysterically since puppies can be so silly.

Caregiving for an elderly person is similar. Anyone who takes care of an older person on a regular basis needs patience but also needs help from others to develop patience if it’s a struggle. Perhaps it means creating a bigger support system. Maybe more breaks are part of the equation. Talking to other caregivers helps remind that others are also in the same situation. Attending a support class is yet another idea.

Ralph Waldo Emerson’s quote, Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience, prompts more thoughts. God’s handiwork gives all kinds of lessons. Studying nature reminds of the ways we must be patient. I almost threw away a rose plant, but a rose started blooming! I had just about given up on this plant.

As I look ahead to a new caregiving role, taking care of Julia, I am thankful for the reminders to be patient and will work on strengthening my lack of it. After all, life is a journey filled with twists and turns every step of the way.

In a previous post, I shared about caregiving. In the post, I outlined a possible class focusing on the different components of caregiving. I need to add another session and title it, ” Animal Caregiving Connections”.

The exciting arrival of our new granddaughter, Julia Penelope, means we are on dog duty for an undetermined amount of time. Our official duties began when the parents-to-be transferred the pets to our van at the hospital. Meowing and whining sounds filled the van. I am convinced that animals also get homesick.

Not pleased to be moved to a new location, the cat hissed at me upon its placement in the office. I decided to treat it like a sullen child and leave it alone. It often attempted little escapes throughout its stay to other parts of the house, but we would not allow it to freely roam.

While taking Juneau, the young Irish Setter, on frequent hikes in the forest, I thought about our pastor’s recent sermon on animals. Since a specific creature decided to tear up my notes, I asked him to resend them. One point was that God created animals to allow us to marvel at His creation. I do marvel at these pets and how God created them so differently. I find myself appreciating our own dog, mature and obedient, in different ways now. Juneau even talks back to me! I do not marvel at this at all!

While taking care of these animals, I found myself thinking about Noah. How in the world did he and his family take care of all those animals without becoming irritated and wanting to escape to an animal-free location? I reread Genesis 7 to see if there were any hints of irritation or annoyance. Nothing. I only have three animals and he had a plethora of all kinds!

As I continue to care for the animals, I also find myself thinking about caregiving for people and how it’s similar. First, you make many sacrifices. At around 9 PM, Juneau starts her “Wild Hour”. She runs around like crazy, makes grunting noises, and often whines. We decided to set the lawn chairs on our driveway and let her get the wildness out. We never set the lawn chairs on our driveway. In fact, I always think it’s strange when people do this. I also cannot get a lot of regular projects done because I am always thinking about the dog and cat. Glancing around, I see piles of unfinished projects waiting to be done. Without going into details, I had to use the carpet cleaner. Sigh. Two household items broke. Another sigh.

Second, consistency is important. After a forest hike, her paws are wet and muddy. I have quickly realized that a consistent pattern of wiping down her paws and fur helps my irritation with a messy house decrease. Along with consistency is a daily schedule. The schedule allows me to get things done. When I take the time for walks and playtime, the dog seems to nap more. Just like a mother of a toddler, I love nap-time!

Third, the power of rewards cannot be ignored. When I use treats, the dog listens better. I use them as a distraction when she is disobedient. I think back to my father’s recovery after my mother died. I constantly used distractions to help him focus and regain a positive perspective.

Last, caregivers need breaks. I am grateful that other family members come and take the dog on walks. The cat, Clover, went home, and the dog will soon leave as well. However, not everyone has the luxury of ending the caregiving role. Some take care of others on a daily basis. I think of those who care for young children or elderly parents. I wonder: what support systems help them? Who listens to times when they need to vent? Who reminds them of the wonderful and sacrificial act of caregiving?

As I anticipate my next caregiving role, taking care of Julia, I wonder: what new lessons will I learn? It will be a new journey but a great one!

The news of a granddaughter prompted me to make the decision to stop teaching. My son will be attending medical school in August so my daughter-in-law needs to work. ” Was it a hard decision?” someone asked. ” I think you’ll be back,” another commented. The other teachers smiled in a knowing way.

I pondered their question and comments for some time. My final answer was no because I feel that it is an honor to take care of her. It’s an opportunity, one that doesn’t come around often. It feels like the right thing to do. Why would I take care of other people’s children all day long when I can take care of a relative?

Driving back from Michigan, I couldn’t help but make comparisons. I received the opportunity to be a caregiver to my parents and now I have the opportunity to take care of a newborn. What joy! Will there be similarities? Differences?

Regardless, the new role will remind me of the beauty of life, the miracle of birth, and the joy of experiencing God’s gifts.

Thinking back to the spring/summer of 2019 brings back a host of memories. Searching for a Michigan home to purchase, then deciding to rent, and finally ending up right near my former childhood home was only part of the adventure. When my mother fell and broke her femur, our lives instantly changed to a schedule of doctor’s visits, hospital stays, and then the funeral. Amidst all of that was my father in denial that she passed.

When I look at him now and hear him say that he doesn’t remember any of it, I can hardly believe it. How can he forget the crazy night in the hospital? How can he forget the funeral? He even says he forgets my mother at times. I pretend I don’t hear those words.

Fast forward to this past week when I drove to Michigan to see him and attend the medical case conference with my brother.

“He’s been sleeping way more”, the aide stated. ” He even was sleeping in the pool”.

We laughed at that statement. How can anyone actually sleep in the pool? We believed them, but it seemed incredulous.

The conference, somewhat similar to educational case conferences, outlined his cognitive, physical, and emotional condition. The recreational therapist shared how he was asked what activity would fill him with the most joy. His answer? Horseback riding. They are searching for a local horse stable to make it happen. ” I better get a notice when that happens,” my brother remarked, chuckling. They assured us and shared how horseback riding takes place with a variety of people, including the elderly.

Taking a different turn, they reviewed his medications and decided that a different anti-depressant could help his mood improve. His constant sleep could indicate that his body is shutting down, though. They were willing to try a different medication but acknowledged that it may or may not work. My brother pointed out that hospice, the next step, was suggested two years ago as well. I appreciated his optimism but remembered how excessive sleepiness could be attributed to the end of life.

After the conference, we brought him outside to encourage him. As always, the topic turned to his sleepiness. ” I am so tired, ” he muttered. ” Hey, Dad! What about writing a poem for your great-granddaughter? In one month, she will be born!”

He perked up and agreed that it would be a good idea. Time will tell if he actually writes it. The journey continues….