I seem to deal with something repeatedly. What is it? Unrealistic expectations. I don’t know why, but it keeps happening. Case in point: our recent MI visit to see my father.
“Hope you have a nice visit. He’s been doing well lately,” my brother texted. My answer: low expectations make a difference. The Saturday visit reminded me that I don’t always believe it.
As we planned the Saturday visit, I thought of ways to encourage. Thankfully, the facility allows dogs so we took Kenai along for the ride. We brought my father’s plant back. It struggled for a while, so we took it to Indiana for tender loving care. I thought its healthy green leaves would excite my father. A new picture of Julia in a white frame would prompt a smile! New stickers for his water bottle would remind him of God’s love and care. Shamrock shakes from McDonald’s would top off the morning fantastically.
Upon arriving at Waterford, we found Dad sleeping in his wheelchair. As he woke up, my optimism started fading. I noticed his swollen hand. “What happened?” I inquired. He shrugged. The nurse informed me of the edema. When he sleeps a certain way, it causes edema. However, it usually goes away by mid-afternoon. Deciding that his room would allow a quieter visit, we wheeled him to his small abode. ” Look at your plant!” I encouraged. ” Yeah,” he replied with indifference. ” We also brought you a new picture of Julia,” I continued. ” And what about these shakes?” I asked, pointing to the three green shakes. He sipped the green shake cautiously and gobbled down the cookie. I placed the new stickers on his water bottle. ” Why is this empty?” I asked. ” Too heavy to carry,” he responded. I never thought about the weight of a water bottle!
” What’s up with your hair, Dad?” I asked. More shrugging without talking. I gave up on trying to create a polished look with his brush.
“Let’s go somewhere else, ” I suggested, hoping that a different location would allow more conversation to occur. His listless answers needed a different approach.
Despite my attempts at playing the piano, interacting with other residents, and showing a plethora of pictures, he kept nodding off. When he did converse, he remarked on his memory and how little he could remember.
” Do you remember my name?” I asked. He did, thankfully.
However, I was dismayed to find out that he could not remember our sister-in-law’s name, our kids, or my brother’s kids. The questioning must have tired him out because he fell back asleep.
Deciding that this visit would be categorized as a short one, we left. On the way out, I asked the nurse to make sure he received a haircut. I wondered, once again, if this was our last visit.
However, one can never tell. ” Ups and downs”, the nurse remarked.
On our way back to Indiana, I thought about expectations and researched more ways to deal with them.
The title of the article, “How to Relinquish Unrealistic Expectations” caught my eye. The author outlines several ways to deal with unrealistic expectations. Using humor is one way, but I don’t find these types of visits funny. The reality is that I sometimes feel disappointed in giving up an entire Saturday for a visit. What did we accomplish?
However, another tip did resonate. What would I say to another person in this situation? I would say that every visit, no matter the outcome, is a way to honor a parent. It is part of the journey of caregiving.
https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-relinquish-unrealistic-expectations
