Waves of grief

Waves of grief assailed me and I could not sleep. The nurse’s words explaining the need for morphine kept coming back to me. Morphine, used to help people ease into death, will be used on the advice of the hospice nurse. Is it really the end?

I chide myself at times for these moments when I cannot keep from crying and try to rationalize everything. My mother will be turning 89 next month. She has lived a good life. I try to think about those who have lost children or teens. I don’t have a right to cry like this when parents I know are mourning the loss of their son, tragically killed in an accident. So many people I know bury family members. This is all true, but it still hurts so badly.

I wonder what will happen tomorrow when I head to Waterford. What will my father be like? Will she be able to get to lunch still? Will I be able to play the piano for her again?

Selfishly, I want the morphine to allow more time so I can work on getting her to eat again. I want another meal where I am cheering her on, encouraging another bite. But… it’s not my decision. This is the moment when I remind myself of the sovereignty of God. The King of the World decides our moments and days.