Author: chelleren

She entered 1891, the name of this house, as a wild, untamed beast searching for smells and adventure. Barking at the nearby neighbors and growling at unknown sights, Kenai arrived.

Kenai, our yellow one year old labrador retriever, added a challenge to our housing search. Purchasing a house seemed like a better option when thinking about a dog. However, since the Michigan housing market is challenging, we chose the rental route. “Pet friendly” became one of the main boxes we checked on Trulia’s filter because fur babies don’t necessarily cause landlords to jump up and down with glee. The road we live on, 76th Street, experiences high levels of traffic at certain times of the day, but proximity to the high school overruled that disadvantage. Now we need to train Kenai to stay in certain areas and watch her closely instead of allowing her to roam Wexford Woods.

Having a pet, despite the challenges, also allows one to meet new people, bring a smile to those in need, and allows conversations to occur that might otherwise be awkward. Kenai will add to this journey in ways I cannot predict!

As I previously wrote, moving to a new location seems to characterize our family’s life. With moving comes the new challenge of finding new friends- friends for every person individually as well as a family. It doesn’t always happen, but when it does- it is definitely one of God’s richest gifts.

Moving to Kansas, a state I had never visited, provided a church home full of people who openly welcomed us for the next ten years! Some of our favorite memories are times with our church groups. People like the Petermans, Bergs, Gallaghers, Joyces, Goodyears, and others will always hold dear places in our hearts.

Our 2005 sabbatical to the Netherlands provided a whole new set of friends. One couple, Frans and Gisela, still communicate with us every Christmas! When Mitch’s dad suffered a heart attack while we were there, Frans offered to pay Mitch’s plane ticket to get back to the States. This coming semester, when Chloe is studying abroad in Ireland, he and Gisela will be hosting her for a weekend, taking her to different sites.

Living in Lafayette on two different occasions also provided different friends. Some are based on church and others on school. Some of the friendships could be categorized as soccer friends as we have spent a considerable amount of time watching this fun sport.

However, all of these friendships took time to establish which is why I am thrilled to be back in Michigan. One example of a longtime friend is Gwyn. Opening the door to see her smiling face was AWESOME! Despite the distance, we have remained friends since high school! Now she lives a mere four minutes away. Other friends live in the area and I look forward to seeing them as well.

Friendship is definitely one of God’s best gifts and one I plan on enjoying in the mitten state. I am excited to reconnect with those I know and eagerly anticipate meeting new people!

Grades, a part of the school experience, can consume one’s thoughts. As an educator, I spent large parts of the year grading, assessing, and writing comments. We used an online grade management system to record. I often sent weekly emails to parents to communicate the student’s progress. Instant feedback is one of the best ways to improve student progress.

I received instant feedback regarding assignment #1, part b, and it wasn’t good.

“You did what?” my sister-in-law, a registered nurse, asked in disbelief. I was describing my encounter with a resident at the rehab facility where he asked me to wheel him to his bed and help him into it. “You cannot do that, Michelle! You don’t know his treatment plan. He probably didn’t want to listen to the nurses who told him to sit in his wheelchair so he found you instead.”

I timidly asked her my grade and she responded with an “F”. Oh no. I probably should have asked a nurse if it was permissible.

However, when I saw him later, he said, ” I remember you” and it filled me with happiness. The grade was a happy F because someone experienced a moment of joy in midst of pain. I look forward to seeing him soon.

Because of my role as an educator, wife to a professor, and mom of three students, I often compare situations to a classroom. Yesterday, I faced assignment #1 since our Michigan move: attending Mom’s first post-surgical appointment. Note-taking is a priority since I doubt my ability to completely convey all the medical information to the rest of my family.

Similar to students arriving in class on the first day, I felt apprehension as I drove to downtown Grand Rapids with Corey, the navigator. Salsa, our red Toyota mini-van, is leaking air-conditioning fluid and rattles at times. Solution- crank up the 80’s music! Solution # 2- crank up teenager music and know it will irritate to the point of distraction. The solution I constantly use, however, is a heavy dose of prayer.

Despite my apprehension, we arrived without issues and located the building without challenges. As we awaited her arrival, questions flooded my mind. What will she look like when she arrives? Will it be confusing for her to be in a different environment? Will she find it strange to see us there?

Free WIFI, friendly staff, decor that included the colors navy, tan, and gray allow comfort and ease in midst of patients with walkers, canes, crutches, and leg boots. The television provided a distraction as well.

Corey even received a comment about his hair. “That hair! You don’t see it like that anymore!” The comment caused us to chuckle and relieved some more of the apprehension.

Finally, the doors opened to my mother, in a wheel chair. She seemed moderately okay but was wearing stained pants. Ugh.The outfit didn’t match at all. Another ugh.

Paperwork included the need for her signature. Although I do have power of attorney, the office did not have those papers, so Mom had to sign. She managed to write her signature the first time, but by the end, she wrote random letters so I helped. Who would have thought that signing your name would be so challenging? As her wrinkled, bony fingers grasped the pen, images of her sitting at the kitchen table, writing cards and letters to others filled my mind.

Some may ask why Corey, a sixteen year old boy, would attend the appointment. My basic answers are that I wanted help navigating the downtown streets and taking notes of the appointment. My deeper answer is that I want him to experience some of this: pushing a wheel chair, seeing others working in the medical community, and experiencing caregiving. I hope that seeing others with challenging health will allow him to appreciate the gift of good health.

Because I do not have medical background, I asked the physician’s assistant if we could record the appointment. Taken aback, she commented on how she had never had someone ask. However, she agreed so Corey recorded her comments. The appointment went well.

As we waited for the ambu-cab driver to arrive, Mom uttered words that filled me with fear. “I have to go”. Hoping she meant going home, I asked her what she meant, but she meant the restroom. Oh no. How would I complete this task? Corey couldn’t help. We managed to locate a handicap restroom, but where was a nurse to help? It was me, the inexperienced caregiver who needed to complete this part of the assignment.

Despite my fears of her falling, we managed to complete this arduous task and she left in the ambu-cab to head back to the rehab facility.

Finishing an assignment often leaves students with relief which is what I felt; relief and thankfulness that it was over.

The image, forever burned in my mind is my dad’s hand, covering my mom’s bony fingers. His devotion to her speaks volumes. “I don’t want her to feel forsaken”, “She needs to know I am here” are only some of his comments. His frequent tears for her condition bring tears to my eyes as well as I witness a love so strong despite the circumstances.

I hope I will always care for others in this manner, but will I? Do my own comforts and desires take over?

This, too, could be a part of the class, Caregiving 101. What do caretakers feel like when taking care of loved ones? Who takes care of their needs?? The beauty of Michigan with its lakes, forests, and trails is already beckoning me, so how does one balance pleasure with the challenge of taking care of someone so needy?

This exploratory topic will repeat as the journey continues.

If I were actually teaching the class, “Caregiving 101″ a section would be devoted to phone calling. My father always ends our phone calls with words of appreciation and how my phone calls lift his spirits. It’s not like the words I utter are profound. I merely offer words of encouragement for his day, encourage him to write in his journal, read his Bible, and remember certain phrases like, ” Keep your chin up” or a phrase I saw on a student’s shirt, ” Be positive like a proton.” However, I sense a despondency within him and struggle to find the words and activities that will steer him into a positive mindset. His sleep deprivation, a definite link to his moods, is an issue, but does he sense a change in her that leaves him helpless? Do my phone calls actually change his outlook or merely allow him to verbalize his frustration over not being able to change the current situation?

Hours after completing my Sunday phone call, I came to the stark realization about the phone calls to my parents. At first, I unknowingly denied it, but then it became clear: my mother was not talking on the phone any more. Waves of deep sadness assailed me as I analyzed her behavior. My brother pointed out that she hadn’t been talking for some time. Has the phone become a confusing method of communication, an abstract concept too hard to grasp? Is it like a toddler who first figures out how to talk to an unseen person on the other end?

Judy Cornish, creator and author of the DAWN method, offers a variety of tips such as treating a phone call as a chance to brighten their day and share a happy childhood memory. I appreciated her tips and want to read more of her website: http://www.thedawnmethod.com, but what about a person who doesn’t want to talk on the phone like my mother? Her recent comment, when asked if she wanted to talk to me, was: “I’m busy”. Maybe we should have tried harder and just gave her the phone instead of asking. Maybe he should put the phone on speaker mode so she can hear my voice better. But… is there a point when older people cease phone communication?

Assignment: try using the phone in different manner than usual. Instead of asking someone with dementia if they want to talk, place the receiver by the ear so the voice is recognized. I will be seeing them tomorrow and hope the results are positive. Journeying into this area of dementia means taking risks and being willing to experiment just like the regular classroom.

In the course of our marriage, Mitch and I have moved seven times. If you count our 2005 Netherlands sabbatical, it would be eight. The process of moving, never dull, does allow one to purge, but it also overwhelms at times. In this particular move, we are moving but also making sure that we leave items behind for our college age kids, who probably will be in the house periodically. The strangest item is the toaster. They love the 4 slicer, so I need to purchase another one. Sometimes, I just want to close the door to avoid all the planning!

The reality of this decision hits me at times. I actually start thinking, “This is the craziest decision we have ever made.” I left my teaching position and don’t have a new one, my husband will be traveling back and forth because of the late planting season, we now have two houses to maintain even though one is a rental, and this could be a very expensive year. You might ask, “Didn’t you think about this when you made this decision back in December? ” Of course! However, following through with a decision is very different than planning it.

In 2005, while living in Kansas, we decided to take a sabbatical in the Netherlands. A sabbatical, one of the perks of a professor, is a time of renewal and learning. Traveling overseas with three young children requires a fair bit of planning! I experienced many feelings of homesickness for American ways and often questioned our decision. Through it all, God showed himself in amazing ways! I learned to depend on Him more and experienced His goodness in more ways than one.

When I start analyzing this decision to head to the mitten state, I remember Esther 4:14. “And who knows but that you have come to MI for such a time as this?” God provided for us when living in the Netherlands and He will again during this Michigan adventure. He revealed Himself while living in the Netherlands. He will reveal Himself in Michigan. He will because He is the faithful one, the great conductor of our lives.

My eyes welled up with tears as I listened to my father describe how he didn’t know where to find my mother. ” I couldn’t remember where she was, so I walked down the hall and asked a staff person I recognized”. The vision of him, using his walker, shuffling through Royal Park’s hallways made me weep.

Besides feeling sadness hearing him recount this event, it made me want to research brain science. How does the brain work when a spouse sees his beloved wife deal with pain? Does his memory, already eroding, change faster? Does the stress and sadness cause memory loss to increase?

In our conversation, I realized that there were other things he could not remember. The conversation, that he should avoid bread because of stomachaches, only happened yesterday, but… he had no recollection of it.

How do you change the course of the brain?? Does strengthening help?

My father, despite being a Dutch immigrant and not well-versed in the English language, always enjoys writing. So… I gave him an assignment. Write poems for Mom. Will this strengthen his brainpower? Time will tell.

If Caregiving 101 was an actual class offered, many would agree that it’s one we often repeat throughout the course of our lives. Taking care of young children, sometimes the first experience, can be daunting at times. Taking care of young children is a definite sacrifice as sleep patterns change, a clean house changes into a toy-cluttered one, and social activities revolve around a child’s nap patterns. Conversations with others, usually short and disjointed, sometimes never resumes. The question”What were we talking about again?” may repeat on a daily basis. Driving children to a variety of activities is a different type of caregiving as the young child develops into a middle schooler. When your child, a newly licensed driver, drives off with your vehicle, sacrifice occurs again as you change your schedule and hope for safe return.

The experience of a broken bone or surgery quickly causes one to learn how to be a caregiver. When Corey broke his arm while riding a tandem bike, taking care of his needs became paramount during a hot summer. Keeping him comfortable, helping him elevate his arm, and other tasks kept me busy, but it was temporary. Chloe, while a high school senior, tore her ACL and miniscus while playing soccer. She needed help during and after the surgery, although her story may differ because of her strong independent personality!

Now– caregiving is at a different level with parents. How do you step into this role as a child to an aging parent? How do you assert yourself when the person is older and wiser in so many ways?

When I overruled my father’s wishes to stay overnight in the hospital without me, it took persistence. “Why not? he questioned. ” I want to do this for her!” Thankfully, he ended up agreeing, but not all decisions will go as well.

Another part to caregiving is sacrificing your own desires for those who need care. In a recent conversation with a friend, she remarked on the non- existence of vacation this summer due to the medical needs of aging family members. On the flip side, I canceled an upcoming colonoscopy due to the busyness of driving to Michigan and preparing for a Michigan move. Trust me– no tears on that decision!

My first assignment, coming up next Wednesday, is to help my mom at her first post- surgery appointment. Remembering her appointment as well as completing the myriad of tasks when moving is no small undertaking! Navigating the Michigan roadways, easy for those who live there but something I need to review, is another part of this adventure.

Despite all of these thoughts and feelings, 1 Timothy 5:8 reminds me of the importance of taking care of our loved ones. “If anyone does not provide for his relatives and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” Taking care of aging parents, while not easy, is a task God values. Knowing that God orchestrated this entire journey provides a deep peace.

Driving back and forth to Michigan allows time to reflect and ponder upon my mother’s dementia. How does it start? My sister-in-law and I chatted about different events we recalled. Like– what about the time when I drove my parents to DC to see my aunt and she wanted to leave the next day? What about the times when she wanted to leave our Thanksgiving dinner within hours of starting it? Were these signs??

Today, when visiting her in the rehab facility, she kept talking about getting the meat out of the oven, specifically the meat loaf. Thursday nights were always meat loaf while growing up. Does the mind go back in time like that?

Many times, I just answer her questions but often it is difficult to stifle the laughter. When she learned that Caden has a girlfriend, her question “Does he know what to do with her?” caused us to howl with laughter.

It is difficult to know if the dementia will hinder her recovery. Last night, she fell off her bed. Michigan recently passed a law against guard rails on medical beds in certain facilities. The crazy thing is that my sister-in-law, a registered nurse expressed concern about her bed last night! Thankfully, she does not have any broken bones, although her shoulder is very painful.

While at their condo today, a resident remarked,” Life is tough”, but I replied, ” But God is still good”. His faithfulness stays constant even though our health fluctuates.