Anger

Sometimes, I am surprised at my emotions. I burst out in tears when a school secretary phoned asking me to sub on the day of my mother’s funeral.That is not usually typical of how I answer phone calls. Certain songs played on the radio will still make me tear up. But the one emotion I am most surprised about it anger, specifically at my father.

After subbing in art, I decided to head directly to Royal Park for an afternoon visit. The sunny day prompted me to take my father outside where I hoped it would encourage him. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

“What’s wrong, Dad?” I asked, feeling like it was the beginning of a therapy session. “Everything’s wrong,” he responded, head in hands. Inwardly sighing , I worked to unravel his feelings. “There is no purpose in life, ” he bleakly remarked. “That is simply not true, ” I pointed out. “God has a purpose for us in every stage of life. Didn’t you have a purpose when you weren’t with Mom? You married her late in life. Are you saying that your only purpose in life is when you were married to her? That doesn’t make sense!” I could feel my irritation rising. Trying to calm down, I decided to read Psalm 139 to remind him of how God knows every part of us, which to me, means also that He has a purpose.

Despite the many attempts, he did not respond positively and told me he wanted to head back since it was almost supper. I agreed and wheeled him to the dining room. While he ate, I decided to create some visual reminders. One of them was a reminder not to act like a certain person we know who merely gave up on life and became a recluse. Another was a question, “What does God want you to do today?”

Feeling angrier by the minute, I decided that leaving would be the best action. As I headed out, I said, ” I am not sure when I will come back next”.

The evening ended with a flurry of texts back and forth with my brother who also agreed that my father was giving up. I described it as a slow death which may or may not be accurate. He reminded me again that it has only been one month since my mother passed, which I know, but I just think– “Come on! Is life only worth living if you have your spouse? My mother would not like to see my father like this and would tell him to make the best of it. But can he?

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